I cried an ocean of tears, hoping it will drown all the pain. I can barely keep my eyes open or maybe I simply prefer to keep them close. I’m trying not to sleep. I want to pretend that today never happened, or tomorrow will never come because I’m afraid of what might change. It kills me just thinking about it.

They say it’s impressive and brave.. what I’ve done. They say it’s the right thing to do. They don’t know that it took everything to bring myself to utter those words. Life is so unfair. No matter which I choose, I lose. I hurt someone and I can’t be completely happy.

I’m sorry I have to temporarily give you up. It comforts me to say it’s temporary. It may sound delirious but I’m still hoping this is not the end of us. This is not how our story ends. It may seem like I didn’t fight for you, that I chose to let you go, and I won’t blame you if your feelings for me change for these reasons, but I hope you know that this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made. It will always kill me to live with it. It’s so hard to give up the only thing you’ve wanted more than anything in the world.

I hope you’re not mad at me. I hope you don’t push yourself too far away. Just imagining how our relationship will change breaks me in a million pieces. I wish we’d stay as best friends. It won’t be easy and I’ll understand if you won’t feel as comfortable with me but I want you to know that I’ll keep trying. I’m always here for you. I promise that I’ll never leave, I’m truly always here, maybe not as a partner yet, but still as your best friend. It will be extremely devastating if you cut me off your life. Please don’t. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I never wanted to hurt you. If I knew I’ll end up causing you pain, I could’ve prevented this from happening. I wanted to be your comforter, I’m really sorry for being the root of your pain now.

I won’t blame you if you distance yourself from me. If you might not want to talk to me for a while, or call or text. I will miss you, so badly. You consisted most of my day and I wouldn’t find anything to look forward to any more if I completely lose you. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you understand. I have to choose my family. I cannot just choose what will make me happy. Someday, I’ll be strong enough to think of what I want and do it. I’ll be strong enough to fight for what I personally desire. I’m praying you’d still be there. My feeling for you won’t change. You’re my soulmate and what we’re going through only convinces me that we’re meant to be in each other’s lives. Life throw rocks at us and we’re slowly learning to catch them. These challenges will make us stronger.

I hope when I tell my future children our story, it will be a story of chivalry, a love that conquered all. I’ll tell them about a man who showed me what true love is. True love is never easy but it overcomes challenges. I fought for you, countless times. I’m not strong enough to win the battle now, but deeply I’d keep fighting, hoping, praying, because I love you. I love you so much and when everything comes into place, when the right time comes, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, and making you feel loved.

Every second we’ve spent together during the best complicated relationship we had will always be in my heart. You’ll always be in my heart. You’ve been in it ever since. I am sorry this has to happen to us. I hope you know that not being able to hug you tighter, kiss you harder, and be your lover will be my biggest regrets. We can do this. I believe this is only one of the challenges we have to face, and this will strengthen us. Right now, I hope you understand. I love you and I’ll continue to prove it to you in ways that I can. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Befriending Time

Often times we talk about our pasts and futures, focusing on time that has passed and time that is yet to come, that we tend to forget about now, about what we have in the present. We continue to live with people that have already left, and keep waiting for people we expect to come in our lives, that we fail to appreciate the ones that are here for us right now. Whenever we feel discontent, or hopeless, it seems to be a common impulse to look back or look forward, to time we have no control of, to time other than the present, because there is comfort in the inevitability of the past and the promise of the future. We spend too much time on memories and dreams that we fail to appreciate the ones that are happening at this moment. A life spent in flashback and fast forwards is a life not lived to the fullest. Living is befriending time.

How often do we hear the line “Time is not my friend.” “If it’s meant to be, it will happen.” “It was meant to end.” “I wish I could travel in time.” I know many of us are guilty of uttering these phrases, maybe too often than we should. We always blame intangible, fictionalized matter when life doesn’t go the way we want to. We want to believe that such has happened because they’re unavoidable or out of our control. We point our finger to fate or time because it’s easier to put the blame on others than to admit our fault because really, things happen out of our own choices. With the exception of natural disasters or other supernatural events, we mostly have control of how our life will turn out to be. We just have to find the courage to make decisions and put up with whatever consequences they may bring. We cannot just live with “what ifs.” Things don’t just happen because they’re “meant to be.” We work and take risk to make things happen. That is how we first befriend time, by making our own choices, admitting our faults and stop blaming fate and time.

When the road of the past has been bumpy and tragic, we always look back at the turning points, when the great ride, the sweet music in the car, and the beautiful view are all abrupted by a massive crash, and the trip becomes a highway to hell, symphony to screeching noise, view turns pitch black. We all had downfalls in the past and unfortunately, these tragedies always fog our memories. We forget the good times or we start to question the moments. “Was he/she really in love with me?” “Did they love me?” “Why didn’t it work out?” “Why did it end terribly?” Questions after questions, all to be left unanswered due to countless doubts. We can never move on as long as we continue to search for answers or hope for another ending for these past stories. Our pasts happened for a reason. We know how and what we felt during those moments. If you’re sure you loved each other, then what’s there to ask? What you felt was real. They once made you half crazy, unable to sort what felt like every emotion there is in life. But clearly, one or both of you allowed the feeling to fade away. You may say it was unintentional but it would have never happened if you didn’t lose the reason to stop trying. If they didn’t stop giving you reason to hold on. Sure you may have regrets but how would the ending change if you ever have the chance to redo it.. and if you do, imagine how different your present and future will be. The second way of befriending time is forgiving and letting go, accepting the past whether it may be good or bad. The stars shine the brightest during the darkest nights. Regrets and mistakes may have darken our past, but there are always stars, beautiful memories, that outshines the sky. We can only accept our past if we forgive ourselves and others of our and their mistakes.

People fear rollercoasters because they only look at the steep fall. We don’t usually think of how thrilling the entire ride will be or how good it would feel to overcome that nerve-wrecking course. We cannot enjoy life if we do not appreciate the positives. It is important to make most of what we have presently to befriend time. At times, since we have grown accustomed to the past, we spend most of our time reliving them than living now. We mourn upon the changes and the people that have left that we forget those who stayed, those who are here for us in the present. People feel lonely because they constantly want to mend broken relationships instead of making new ones. Appreciate the people you have now, those that have chosen to be with you after everything that happened in your past. It’s hard for them to replace special people and happy memories you’ve met and made in the past, and yet they’re trying. They want to be part of your present and it’s up to you to open yourself again to others. Allow life to continue your story and allow others to help you write it. Befriend time now and appreciate your present for people stay as long as they feel relevant, important, and needed. Make them feel nonetheless and they become part of your pasts too.

Time could be your worst enemy or your best friend. It can damage you so badly and leave you wounded for a while. There will be pain, and you’ll be hurting, but the healing process starts upon your choice. Once you befriend time, you begin to understand, why the past have happened and why the present is the way it is. Most times, we may feel powerless to what time could bring, but the impacts of it are up to us. If we learn to live by our choices, forgive, and appreciate, we shall never be too feeble to face life. Time is not meant to run our lives. We manage time and define our own lives.

I don’t get the fuss about Valentines Day. It’s the most frustrating day of the year. It’s when everyone’s inclined to do or buy these typical stuff as if it’s a law in the constitution. Moreover, it has always seemed so fake to me.

I don’t hate Valentines Day. I think I’ve always somehow looked forward to it even if I never actually had a valentine. And everytime, I get disappointed when I have no, or the lowest expectations. Wow.

I stopped dreaming of the cliche Valentines day. The red roses, chocolates, dinner in a fancy hotel. It all seems frustrating being surrounded by loveydovey couples who “tries or plans” to make this one night perfect. When a little detail goes wrong, you literally see hysteria in their faces like getting the worst table in the restaurant will cause the end of the world. There’s no winning in Valentines Day. People set too high of expectations, too impossible to meet.

If I could I’d stay home during Valentines Day. Have some pizza delivered and spend the whole day watching rom coms and other movies. At least movies have an excuse to be sappy and cheesy. We know they’re fictional. And when the movie ends, we know they end happily ever after. Unlike in reality when you know that half of the couples celebrating it this year won’t even be talking by next year.

Valentines is such a tease. Even if you spend it with yourself, you overthink why no one has chosen you to be their Valentine. Why no one would want to put effort on you and buy you overpriced merchandise for a single day. Horrible right?

So why the big fuss about Valentines again?

I feel like I can write a book of everything you make me feel but the pages won’t be enough to capture the lifetime of mixed inespicable feelings you cause me. Therefore, I’ll write infinite sequels and spend years finding the words that would give your indescribable entirity justice. I’ll write until my hands sore trying to fit our infinity into numerous legal sized papers. I’d document the tiniest details of every moment we spent together because they’re worth being kept for memories may fail us but our words will live on. I’ll write for escape in the present and for the future. Whenever I need to go to a happy place, I’ll pick up our book and take myself back to those moments, moments I would wholeheartedly relive a million times. I’d go back to our first walk, late phone call, first hug, first kiss. And everytime I think of them, I’d feel the same way I felt when they actually happened. You are the present of the present, the best gift that I’m the most grateful for. We’ll spend every waking moment together to make a past that we’ll happily look back on as we pursue a dreamful future. All of it, I’ll write down because this is our story. Our story is our and the world’s testimony that each of us are living for something, or someone. I happily dedicate my days for you.