thoughts that were hardly spoken today
- It’s so frustrating when I can’t talk to the only person I want to share everything that happened during my day to.
- Now she wants you back since she sees you starting to do okay, or feeling happier, with someone else.
- And clearly you have no plans of getting over. Why should I wait for something that would never happen?
- I should get used to not having you around again.
- I can’t imagine it working out right now anyway. I would never believe what you say you feel about me.
- It’s going to be hard to talk to you less but it’s harder if I develop feelings that would clearly go to waste.
- Let’s try to make this less complicated for both of us.
November 25, 2013
I don’t know what exactly I want to write. I just feel like I need to write something. I need to be in my outlet. This is too much thoughts and feelings, I just need to release a few. Maybe this will take a bit of the weight off my shoulders because right now I feel nothing but tiredness. I’m so tired and I have no motivation to keep trying anymore. I care too much and I doubt everyone that cares for me. I might be trusting the wrong person and giving a bit too much of myself that it’s causing problems. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know where my place is and I don’t know how I should act. Everything’s so complicated and I just want answers. I want to know that everything I’ve been feeling and doing are worth it.
School has been disappointing lately. It’s too unfair for me. I feel like there’s no point in trying too hard because I won’t be the best or I’ll end up with a dissatisfying result anyways. I wish I could stop caring about doing well and what other people would think. I wish I’d be less pressured of expectations. I am overwhelmed with too much work and on top of that, I am conflicted with social life, relationships, and personal bafflement. Besides not having sufficient time to accomplish everything, I suck at time management and I am so unmotivated to strive. I want everything to go back when it was easier and simpler. I hate putting effort and not getting the results I’m hoping for.
I’ve gotten too attached. I brought it upon myself to get attached and now it’s complicating my life the most. I thought I knew what I want, what I felt, but apparently not. It has been memorable and heart whelming but for some reason, it doesn’t feel right anymore. Maybe because I began doubting everything. It’s what you’ve been doing and what others have been telling me. Maybe because I’m getting tired of this unclear trek. I don’t know where I stand with you a lot of times. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know if I should still be giving you this much attention because I don’t want to get hurt in the future but at the same time, I began caring for you already and you’ve been part of my life, my routine, it’s hard to stop. I know I need to come up with a solution, with what I should really do during our current situation. I know that I don’t have your whole heart yet and that hurts me every time. I, and other people, think you just treat me as an option, a back up plan, a safe landing, a past time, a temporary remedy. You tell me that I’m not, that I’m more than that, but you need to try harder in proving it I guess. Right now, I’ve been noticing how much of a part of my life you’ve been and how much I’m getting attached to you, I think it’s unhealthy. I need to restrain before I’m sure about what you really want and plan to do about us. Clearly I’m not going to settle as a second choice. I deserve better than that. Most of the time we need another person to point that out, to remind us of our real worth.
It will be hard but I need to reset my priorities, away from you. I need to find other things to focus on, like studies, hobbies, other friends I guess. I’d still be a friend when you need one but we need to stop acting more than that until we decided that that’s really what we want. If it feels like this. When it’s this complicated, it only means it’s not the right time for it. We need to stop giving each other false hopes. I should care more about the people and things that I’m sure care for me too undoubtedly.
Dear No One,
So I was listening to the said titled song by Tori Kelly, and I was just taken aback by its message. I felt it speak to me. I needed to write a Dear No One myself.
Dear No One,
It’s funny how I’m writing this to you when I should be doing my 30 question homework. Well that says one of the million things that I am. I procrastinate, and I’m pretty bad at prioritizing and responsibilities. I hope you don’t mind.
Well I don’t really expect you, Mr. No One, to like me. It’s just almost impossible for me to think that it’s possible for someone to accept, or actually like, my inexplicable personality. I’m a mess and I doubt that anyone would choose or want to stick with my fickle self. But I’m most likely hoping that you, Mr. No One, are “The One.”
Yup, above all my cynicism, I still manage to stay hopeless romantic, a believer of true love and happily ever after’s, destiny and “The One’s.” Childish right? I won’t admit to it all the time because I try to be realistic at most times. A lot of things are making it hard for me to believe that two people can have so much love for each other, they’ll never get bored or fall out of love. But a part of me just won’t give up yet.
I really hope by the time you come, you make everything clearer for me. I hope you give me an answer on the reality of kismet, preferably yes. I don’t know when you’ll come but I want you to know that I’ve been dying to meet you since who-knows-when. I’ve been hoping that you’d come whenever I feel lonely, ignored, and unloved, which is almost every night.
I apologize in advance if I disappoint you. I tend to do that, disappoint people. I am a catastrophe, I’m sorry you need to deal with me or try to fix me. You’re going to care for me, hopefully, and I am going to doubt each of your words and actions. You would tell me that you missed me, or loved me, and I’d answer with my “yeah sure,” a little more than a simple “I missed or love you too.” I will always think that I’m undeserving of your affection.
That leads me to my worst habit, overthinking. I will overthink a lot. I’ll overanalyze you and everything you do, from why I met you, to why you care for me. I’m going to act spontaneously and I’ll confuse you. Sometimes I’ll return the love, other times I’ll be hesitant. It’s just, I often hold back. I’m feeble. I’m scared to make a mistake. I’ve been through enough to know that there are things that feel like they’d last, that seem to be perfect, but they all seem to die or fade away. I’ve been hurt and I don’t want it happening again. I’m sorry if I don’t take the risk with you right away.
But if you stay with me, I hope you’ll discover reasons why you do. It’s hard for me to give you those reasons myself because I can’t see me any special. Compared to anyone else, I’m rather uninteresting. I’m just a try hard. I often try to be special or good at something, but that’s just it, I only try. So there would always be someone more beautiful, more intelligent, more interesting, or simply better than me. I hope there would be someone that will settle for an “adequate” like me.
Please give me a chance and deal with my slightly bipolar, often confusing personality. I know I’ll be quite a burden, but I’ll try to be worth it. I’ll be a try hard for you. I’m not the best, but I’ll try to be. I’ll try to be a good friend, wife, mother, grandmother, cook, clown, or whatever I need to be. I’ll try to make you happy. I’ll try to be what you need. I’ll do it all because in spite all the doubts and overthinking, I’m hopeful and appreciative. I’ll appreciate all your time and effort, your presence, you being there for me, because I’ve been lonely but impossibly hopeful. I’ve been hopeful for someone like you, and you’ve come. I can’t think of any reason not to try hard for you.
Your No One
November 11, 2013
The Story of Us
I hate how much I love you
I hate how much I care
I’m scared that I might lose you
That thought I cannot bear.
That’s why I try to suppress my feelings,
And your actions I try not to put few meanings.
It’s hard not to become a fool
When your smile convinces me to be hopeful.
The way we connect is unbelievable.
You read me well, I feel vulnerable.
Each glance, each look, has a message I cannot miss.
I can tell how badly you want to kiss.
We say we can’t, we’re only friends, we insist.
It’s funny because in the end, neither one could resist.
And when we do, and our lips finally touch,
We agree it’s right, the feeling’s too much.
With the way you care and hold my hand, I easily fall.
You’re the best friend I can be myself with.
Around you I’m comfortable.
Each moment I spend with you, I intend to treasure.
I can’t help but get a glimpse of you in my future.
I was waiting for sleep to come but somehow it refuses to grant me the rest I crave. I was having one of those feelings again. You know, the ones you cannot explain. This one felt like my heart was physically twitching and it seems to be failing to pump blood all over my body. Drained of energy and blood, I am left to focus on my unusual heartbeat which pumps harder second after second after second, trying to unclog my blocked veins. My entire body seems to have given up on all of their functions. All but my heart refuses to stop. As always, it is trying to fix something that is broken.
That’s when I felt my entire bed vibrate, shaken by the ringing of my tiny phone. A missed call and a text message from a couple of minutes ago. On that moment I recognize who’s on the other side of the line, I immediately regretted missing those couple of minutes. I haste to seek your voice, and when I heard you, I did not hear words. I heard the tremendous pouring of the rain, the alternating anger of thunders, the crashing of the waves. I am reminded of an apocalypse, a world that is going through catastrophes one after another. But all the sounds failed to overcome the deafening sound of a heart, your heart, ripping and shattering into pieces. It was the worst and best sound I’ve ever heard.
You told me she officially told you that your relationship is over. Clearly, you are not. You tried your best to utter words but your heavy breathing and the overflowing tears temporarily hindered your ability to speak. You cried for a while and I listened. I have never wanted to be anywhere else badly. I wanted to be there by your side, to comfort you, the same way you did when I broke down. I want to try to stop you from crying because surely she is not worth a single drop of your tears. She has broken a beautiful being which I am left to save.
You listed all of the feelings you were having and I was angered by each. None of them are you deserving of suffering. She is not worth the pain when truly you’ve tried, too many times, from ending up on this exact moment. You had just been left and you feel lonely. You told me of your fear of loneliness, of possibly regretting this, for how everything was your fault. It hurts me that you’re hurting. I want to hug you tightly and assure you that you have me now, and you’ll have me forever.
It may seem inconsiderate and insensitive of me to say, but I liked hearing you cry. There’s something beautiful about your breakdown. Somewhat like an explosion in the universe. As your world falls apart, I fall too. I fall in love. Maybe it’s your vulnerability, or the way you loved her, that caught me. I like being needed and I envy the way you needed her. I wish someone would love me the same way. I never wanted you so badly as much as I did that night. I wanted to put you back together and be the one to bring back the light in your eyes. Like how gravity pulls nebula to form a bright new star.
I am never the one to comfort, or give advice, because rarely do I follow them myself. I am forced to make you feel better with the “someday someone” scenarios. “Someday, someone will love you eternally. Someday someone will never want to make you cry. Someone that will stay.” When truly, all I really wanted to say was “that someone is I.” I want you to love me instead.
Love me because I’ll pick up all your broken pieces and put you back together. I’ll help you erase the feelings, but I won’t force you to forget. Love me because I love you and never in my life would I make you cry like that night. I’d do anything to keep that smile, the one I fell for, in your lips. Love me because I know all of your fears, and I won’t ever let you suffer them. You never have to be scared of being alone, or left behind, if you love me.
I heard a couple of your tears fall again, and you mentioned her name. I was brought back to the reality that I badly wanted to escape. I am reminded that your love is hers. Those tears, your once perfect, and even this recently broken world of yours, are hers. It’s sad that the person we are willing to give our everything, are usually the ones that would give us nothing back.
I haven’t prayed for a while but that night, I did. I’m not sure if I could help you without falling for you harder. So instead, I asked God. I asked that He would help you get through this, and that I would know what to do for you. I prayed that you would stop hurting, and that you find your cure. I want you to receive the love you deserve. In between all these, I asked that I be that someone someday, the cure, the gravity that will brighten your life once again.