6-missed calls kind of night.
When I physically feel like I’m being erased from the face of the world.
And I scream, and scream.
But no one answers.
6 unanswered calls.
I’m disappearing.

first day of school tomorrow

I want to give myself a pep talk, list down positive goals I want to achieve for the year. I wish I am inspired and motivated to do that but right now, I just want to get by. I want to get through high school alive. High school has been more neurotic and complicated than I thought. This year, I just want to keep everything simple. I want to focus on my studies, do well, get good grades. Maybe meet a few people but not get too attached. The lighter the emotional baggage, the simpler everything will be. I may feel alone in the crowded hallways but I’m not too scared, well not at the moment. This year will be about being more self-sufficient. I want to be comfortable with doing things on my own. I’ve been so reliant with other people that I forgot that I am mine before I am anyone else’s. I want to feel secured with myself so whenever people leave, I won’t crash and burn. This year, I’m not dreaming too big. Baby steps. I just want to be better.

"I’ll actually be really happy if she ends up to be my wife someday."
“With her, I never had to try.”
“I still imagine the future with you.”
“I hope you find someone to make you happy… I hope it’s me.”
“‘Be careful who you trust your heart with. Make sure they love you as much as you love them.’
‘Isn’t that you?’”
“I love you. Always.”

honestly though, i want to be the person who’s brave enough to pack and leave her hometown, marching towards the unknown with freedom keeping her knees straight.
i want to be the person who feeds the fuck off of falling in love and adoring how romance nurses butterflies inside her belly.
i want to be the person who marches up to the cute boy in her biology class with a confession pocketed and eventually voiced, not caring about the outcome, or the highly probable rejection.
i want to be the person who sits in her room at midnight and admits how her own poetry makes her sad and at least attempts to stir up happy ones instead.
i want to be the person who’s not afraid of unsheltering herself, of giving people glimpses of who she is and what she loves.
i want to be the person who has music drilled into her veins and art blatantly carved onto her skin.
i want to be the person who knows the proper time to be brave.
i want to be the person who gets up on her own without having to hear how she needs to from anybody else.
i want to be the person who can lie wide awake at night without having her thoughts creep in, without having her worries eat into her brain.
i want to be the person who enjoys silences instead of being afraid of them.
i want to be the person who looks into the mirror and doesn’t see “lonely” sprawled across her forehead.
i want to be the person who’s more than just the reality of her gpa or the result of her recent math test.
i want to be “the person”.
someone other than me.
—on wanting to be the person starring all of my “could have been”s // aed (via iamunheardd)