I don’t get the fuss about Valentines Day. It’s the most frustrating day of the year. It’s when everyone’s inclined to do or buy these typical stuff as if it’s a law in the constitution. Moreover, it has always seemed so fake to me.
I don’t hate Valentines Day. I think I’ve always somehow looked forward to it even if I never actually had a valentine. And everytime, I get disappointed when I have no, or the lowest expectations. Wow.
I stopped dreaming of the cliche Valentines day. The red roses, chocolates, dinner in a fancy hotel. It all seems frustrating being surrounded by loveydovey couples who “tries or plans” to make this one night perfect. When a little detail goes wrong, you literally see hysteria in their faces like getting the worst table in the restaurant will cause the end of the world. There’s no winning in Valentines Day. People set too high of expectations, too impossible to meet.
If I could I’d stay home during Valentines Day. Have some pizza delivered and spend the whole day watching rom coms and other movies. At least movies have an excuse to be sappy and cheesy. We know they’re fictional. And when the movie ends, we know they end happily ever after. Unlike in reality when you know that half of the couples celebrating it this year won’t even be talking by next year.
Valentines is such a tease. Even if you spend it with yourself, you overthink why no one has chosen you to be their Valentine. Why no one would want to put effort on you and buy you overpriced merchandise for a single day. Horrible right?
So why the big fuss about Valentines again?
February 14, 2014
I feel like I can write a book of everything you make me feel but the pages won’t be enough to capture the lifetime of mixed inespicable feelings you cause me. Therefore, I’ll write infinite sequels and spend years finding the words that would give your indescribable entirity justice. I’ll write until my hands sore trying to fit our infinity into numerous legal sized papers. I’d document the tiniest details of every moment we spent together because they’re worth being kept for memories may fail us but our words will live on. I’ll write for escape in the present and for the future. Whenever I need to go to a happy place, I’ll pick up our book and take myself back to those moments, moments I would wholeheartedly relive a million times. I’d go back to our first walk, late phone call, first hug, first kiss. And everytime I think of them, I’d feel the same way I felt when they actually happened. You are the present of the present, the best gift that I’m the most grateful for. We’ll spend every waking moment together to make a past that we’ll happily look back on as we pursue a dreamful future. All of it, I’ll write down because this is our story. Our story is our and the world’s testimony that each of us are living for something, or someone. I happily dedicate my days for you.
January 28, 2014
Oh my god it’s happening again. It always start like this. You stop trying then I get tired waiting, expecting, getting disappointed. I look back on the things you used to do and how excited you used to be when talking and seeing me and now how you make it seem like a burden or like you have better things to do than talk to me. Soon we won’t even bother making plans then we drift off then… then… we don’t even talk at all.
Should I prepare myself for this?
Don’t let it happen please
I know I’m needy I’m sorry
I won’t blame you if you go
I’m boring and overly dramatic
and there’s other things more important than me
I just wish you never made me feel those things
special, exciting, fun
So I won’t be feeling this rn
You have no idea how much it sucks
Feeling like I’m not good enough
and so dependent
If you’re leaving just go already
before I crash too hard
too damaged to be repaired
so just go
How many times have we been asked the resonating question, “Why aren’t you guys together yet?” I’m not going to deny that I’ve asked myself the same question. I don’t usually get preoccupied by it because I don’t see the point of labelling it until the clock strikes at 3 am. First it troubles me that you’re in my head at this ungodly hour. Second, truly I just want to go to sleep but I am bothered and it would prevent me from sleeping soundly. Third, because I am frightened. I know usually I seem okay with everything, the past and all. You have been making it easy for me to believe that it was all over but it’s the demons in my head, the little things I notice that bring it back. What’s scarier is that I know you very well and I’m usually right about what you’re thinking or feeling. If I am right and what I’m assuming is truly what you’ve been feeling then we’re back to square one and I’m scared that we’ll always end up here in our non-exclusive case.
Do you want to know what’s haunting me at 3 in the morning. What the demon in my presence is? It’s no news, it’s always been the same one ever since. Her. I know you still think of her and a part of you will still take her back if she ever lets you. I know how much you really miss her and you’re only trying not to. How do I compete with someone who’s not even fighting but is still winning? Is it worth the fight?
I hate coming back to these thoughts. I’ve tried every possible way to free myself of these fears, these thoughts that kill me every crack of dawn until past midnight. Fate simply won’trelease me from thi ruckus of our so called undefined relationship. I don’t know what I to expect anymore. Am I this temporary substitute you’re preoccupying yourself while you still wait for her? Are you truly willing to let go of everything you have on her for me? I hope you give me answer to these questions at least. I need to know what I should prepare myself for, to know that there’s hope in all of this.. I need confirmation that I’m the only one and I don’t have to worry about losing you so easily.. that I’ll always have you no matter what. I don’t want to fear anymore.
I need to know that I’m as important to you as much as you are to me.. that she will stay in the past and you’re not hoping for any future with her anymore.. that I’m all that matter now and you’ll work hard to keep me in your future.
Please free me from the demons in my head.